


The Warring of the Green

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-07
Updated: 2004-08-07
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:24:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: For those lucky enough to miss the fabulous fairies, these were the first stories I wrote that I think people actually read. They are full of raunchy lowbrow humor and star Mulderon, a Yiddish speaking fairy who befriends Alex Krycek after Tunguska/Terma and The Beautiful Bane, who was once a human named Baines from the movie, X-Tro 2 starring Nick Lea. There are other fairies too; Scullytinia of the spangled lab coat, perpetually horny Skinnerad, and a plethora of others





	The Warring of the Green

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Surprise! Mulderon and Bane are on the loose again. Visiting a universe near you soon! Amazon was kind enough to let me play in her universe. 

 

Notes and More Notes: For those lucky enough to miss the fabulous fairies, these were the first stories I wrote that I think people actually read. They are full of raunchy lowbrow humor and star Mulderon, a Yiddish speaking fairy who befriends Alex Krycek after Tunguska/Terma and The Beautiful Bane, who was once a human named Baines from the movie, X-Tro 2 starring Nick Lea. There are other fairies too; Scullytinia of the spangled lab coat, perpetually horny Skinnerad, and a plethora of others. You can find them all at my Den 

 

 

St Patrick's Day 2003 

 

 

For once, the two fairies had managed to get abroad with no entourage. Mulder and Krycek were investigating a murder. A has been TV producer had been mulched and mixed with zoo Doo. The resulting investigation covered multiple states as the poisoned remains blighted roses from New Hampshire to Washington State. 

 

Skinnerad had wanted to come, but then he always wanted to come. Word had it he was attempting to audition for a larger part in another writer's universe. 

 

As for Scullytinia, she had signed into a spa with Maritabelle and a new fairy, Little Reyes of Whale Song. Mulderon had been torn between his own vacation and the urge to watch the three hot female fairies at the spa. For a gay fairy, he was into lesbian fantasies. 

 

"Why Ireland?" Mulderon grumbled. He sculpted more of the cloud to make a lounge seat as they swiftly blew across the Atlantic. 

 

"The Baines were Irish, I'll have you know," said Bane, almost primly for a fairy who had not only seen the elephant, but painted it pink. "My life long wish was to spend St. Patrick's Day in Ireland." 

 

"Oi vai, a glick hot dir getrofen!" Mulderon exclaimed. "Everyone knows that Americans make more of a big deal out of St. Paddy's Day than the Irish. Hey, Bubee, there's still time to go to New York. St. Patrick's Day is BIG in New York." 

 

"No, I want to go to Ireland," Beautiful Bane said petulantly. "You said that if I let you fuck me when I was standing on my head that I could have anything I want. So I want to go to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day." 

 

"I did say that," Mulderon mourned. Under his breath, he murmured, "It's a big country after all for a small island. I'm sure I won't run into Old Cory on a short visit." 

 

Shortly...the only way tiny fairies could, the two fairies landed in Dublin. Bane looked about disappointed. He said, "Could be any city, anywhere." 

 

"What do you expect? Jigging in the street?" Mulderon said, with more irritation than he usually showed his lovely partner. "Why don't we grab a beer and head back to New York?" 

 

"New York, New York," Bane said, "What is it with you and New York?" 

 

"Lots of Jewish culture," Mulderon answered. "I'm proud of my Jewish heritage." 

 

"You know most of the books say that there are no Jewish fairies," Bane pointed out. "Only golems, dibbuks, and things like that." 

 

"Oy, what do they know? What kind of scmuts would say that? Some of the best Jewish writers I know are fairies!" Mulderon argued. 

 

"I think we just need to head out to the countryside," Bane said. "My mother's people are from County Cork." 

 

"Cork? Cork!" Mulderon squawked. "I'm allergic to Cory. I mean Cork." 

 

"Yeah, and who might this Cory fellow be?" Bane asked. 

 

"Not what you're thinking," Mulderon gasped. "Cory is a dibbuk. He has a grudge in for me just because I borrowed a bit of his gold for the cause." 

 

"A bit?" Bane said. He loved his Mulderon, but he wasn't born yesterday or even reborn yesterday. "How much is a bit?" 

 

"A pot or two," Mulderon said. 

 

"I see," Bane said. 

 

"So as a result, Cory was condemned to semi human state for ten centuries by the Gild of Leprechauns." 

 

"Isn't that supposed to be guild?" Bane asked, reading the thought bubble above his lover's head. 

 

"No, you schlemiel," Mulderon snapped, "Gild, the Golden Order of Leprechauns, of course. That's the governing body of them all and darling Cory was once the cock of that walk. Now he's a mere immortal until he gets his gold back." 

 

"Well, I'm going to pop over to County Cork whether you go or not," Bane announced. 

 

Flickering a bit, Bane wiggled his cute little nose and vanished. 

 

Thinking about Bane's cute ass and all his other assets, Mulderon followed. 

 

OooOooO 

 

Ah, the pair of them had a good time. They drank the heads off all the good Irish beer in the finer pubs of Cork City. They painted a Union Jack on the ass of the Mayor and caused him to sleep walk through the town, spurring a riot. They caused three weavers of hand made lace to embroider pornographic scenes into the delicate material. All in all, good dirty fun. 

 

Mulderon was just beginning to think that Cory was still in America in Washington State where he had been last spotted when Bane said, "Now we have to kiss the Blarney Stone." 

 

"Hey, no one has ever complained about my tongue," Mulderon bitched. "Bane, you don't want people to think you are a tourist, do you?" 

 

"I want to kiss the Blarney Stone," Bane said. 

 

When Beautiful Bane was like this, there was no stopping him. Of course, they had to walk the entire way up. Bane was afraid of only one thing in life, but that was annoying. He feared elevators with a blind, stinking irrational fear of which he could not be cured. 

 

Riding most of the way up on the shoulders of a lovely Irish national who was docent to the tour, the two fairies arrived in style. 

 

Mulderon hid in a wedge of the castle rock as Bane climbed down to kiss the Blarney Stone. He squeezed in tightly and crossed his fingers for luck. 

 

None such. 

 

Two rather large if elegant fingers plucked him from his nook. The opposite hand had already captured his nookie, Bane. 

 

A broad grin covered Cory Raines' face. He said, "Well, well, well, if it isn't the best piece of ass that ever whined and dined me. Long time no see, Mulderon. One might think you were avoiding me." 

 

"People are looking," Mulderon tried. 

 

With a snap of his fingers, Cory froze time. He said, "Top of the morning to you, what have we here? Why do you look like me, little man?" 

 

Bane bit him before trying to draw his sword and have at the giant look a like. 

 

"Bad fairy, no fairy cake," Cory said. "Do you have my gold, Mulderon?" 

 

"Not exactly on me," Mulderon said. "But I'm good for it. Let me go back to my fairy pad and get it." 

 

"Oh, I don't think so," Cory said. "You can't con a conman. Now, what shall I do? I shall have to look into my crystal ball to see." 

 

Sure enough, one of Cory's ball sacs was a transparent crystal. Disrobing and craning to see between his legs, Cory was quite the delightful picture. He eventually straightened up after deciding to give himself a blowjob as long as he was down there. 

 

"I know just what you deserve," Cory said. "Why don't you just go and consider the alternatives?" 

 

Cory's wicked grin was the last thing that Mulderon saw before life as they knew it faded out. 

 

OooOooO 

 

"Morning, Alex," Walter said. "You're up early." 

 

"You didn't hear Bosco barking?" Alex answered. He leaned on the doorframe, staring out into the chill of the damp morning. Winter didn't let go of the mountain easily despite the impending rites of springs. 

 

"Sure, I heard him, but I didn't want to move and spoil that well fucked feeling," Walter said. "We were good last night." 

 

"The worst night with you," Alex reminded him, not needing to complete the rest. 

 

Walter's arms embraced him. Walter's unshaven chin rasped along his neck. Both of them still had a gamy smell from a night spent making love repeatedly. 

 

Before they could turn and go inside, Bosco erupted into a mad fury of barking once more. 

 

"That doesn't sound good," Walter said, "Fox might be at the chickens." 

 

Alex was still sleepy enough to think that Walter meant Mulder. He laughed as he realized that Walter meant the furry kind of Fox. The thought of Fox Mulder after their chickens still had him chuckling when Walter came back with a rifle. 

 

However, the chicken house was intact and Bosco was in the tool shed. A wagging tail accompanied his fierce barking as if he was confused about his feelings. Walter warned, "Stand back, Alex, it could be rabid or a skunk." 

 

A very small voice yelled, "A broch tsu dir, Skinner, you manzer, call this big hairy beast off." 

 

Looking under the tool bench, Walter blinked as he took in the sight of Mulder or what Mulder would look like if he were seven inches tall, had wings, and wore only a kippot. Standing in front of the pissed off miniature was something even more intriguing, a seven-inch version of Alex, except this one had the wings of a hawk, was very young, and waved a sword which appeared to have been carved from an emerald. 

 

"Fuck, I must be dreaming," Walter exclaimed. 

 

"If you are, I'm having the same dream," said Alex, kneeling down. A quick feint was successful in grabbing the tiny Mulder from the protection of the fierce little Alex. 

 

As soon as Alex picked up the fairy Mulder, the creature said, "Hello, beautiful, what are you doing with the Skin Man way out here in Virginia?" 

 

"I live here," said Alex. "As I've been doing for the last year and more." 

 

"Yeah? Well, where's Mulder?" the creature demanded. 

 

"I don't know," Alex said, "Maryland? How the hell should I know? The further away the better." 

 

Clutching his heart, the fairy said, "Oi, oi, a schkandal! That I should live so long. After all the work I did to get you two together." 

 

"Mulder and me?" Alex remarked, making a face. "You so have to be kidding." 

 

Meanwhile, Walter had lowered a coffee can he kept out here for odd bits of hardware over the other fairy. By judicious shaking of the can, he had disarmed the creature. One foot on the can, from which emerged some terrible cursing and threats, Walter examined the tiny sword. 

 

"Can you control that half pint clone of me that you're with?" asked Alex. 

 

"Of course, I can control my dear Bane," said the Mulder like fairy. 

 

"How much did we drink last night?" Alex asked Walter. 

 

Trying to think, Walter said, "Tim O'Malley did bring over that moonshine. I don't remember having more than a taste, but..." 

 

Reaching under the can, Walter plucked out the furious fairy and dangled it at eye level. He had never seen anything more lovely. It was his lover in tiny form except for the lovely hawk wings. "What's your name?" he asked, wondering if the wee folk were allowed to say. 

 

"Bane," snarled the creature. "Give me back my sword." 

 

Preening now, the other fairy said, "Calm down, Bane, we are with friends. Remember, that mashugga Cory Raines said that he was sending us to somewhere to consider the alternatives. Obviously, Alex took a different road here." 

 

Almost purring, the fairy said, "I'm Mulderon, a very GOOD fairy. Walter, my man, I don't remember you being so happy and handsome in my old world. I wonder if Skinnerad..." 

 

"Oh, he's very good," Bane let slip, before jamming both hands over his mouth. 

 

"They could be aliens," Alex speculated, his eyes narrowing. 

 

"Hardly," Mulderon said, "My kind was around long before those Johnny-come-lately creeps oozed onto the scene." 

 

Meanwhile, Walter was recovering his good humor. He said to Bane, "So you are a fairy?" 

 

"I wasn't born one," said the lovely young thing. "Mulder thinks I lived in the future. I was killed by an alien from another dimension, but died so beautifully and heroically that I was reborn as a fairy. That's when Mulderon found me and I found out that uh we are called fairies for a reason. It's not that I don't still have an eye for a pretty woman. It's that my cock prefers guys." 

 

"Yeah, well, I fought it too," Walter said. "Come on, Alex, we may as well as take our hallucinations inside." 

 

"Yes, you should," Mulderon said. "Hey, Bane, you think you could make me a rocking chair like that?" 

 

"I could whittle you a pair," Walter said absently. 

 

Bane sneered and said, "I don't use my sword for lesser reasons. I'm a warrior." 

 

"Yeah, I bet," Alex sneered right back. "Next time I visit DC and see a cockroach, I'll call you." 

 

Walter almost laughed when Bane flew at Alex, hawk wings whirring and tiny fists striking. 

 

Mulderon pounced in midair on his little lover. Bane said, "I can take him." 

 

"No, you can't," Mulderon said. "Now, now." 

 

Bane threw the first punch. Mulderon punched back. They ended up wrestling in the butter bowl. The physical combat seemed to have aroused them. 

 

It was rude to watch, but Walter thought he was entitled. It was his butter and his table. 

 

Watching Mulderon happily top his Bane reminded Walter of the first time he had ever seen Alex...a beautiful body trapped between two Consortium big wigs. He had pretended not to look, but the memory had stayed with him all those years, replacing all the faceless young bodies in his rare gay fantasies. His elbow on the table, Walter said, "The butter was getting old anyway. You don't let me eat it very often." 

 

"Hey, I need your arteries unclogged," Alex said, "They have an important job to do. Making you hard for me." Alex sat down and watched as the fairies switched positions. "Why do you think the fairies look like Mulder and I?" 

 

"Beats me,' remarked Walter as Bane tumbled off his lover and almost off the table. 

 

Moments later, the fairies posed shamelessly, licking each other clean. 

 

"So do we get a wish or something?" Alex asked. 

 

"What do you think we are, fucking Leprechauns?" Bane growled. 

 

However, Mulderon smiled his charming and demented way. He said, "Why, certainly, Bane, Cory Raines is a crooked, devious, thieving old sod. Those are just his good qualities. However, he does have a heart of gold and I'm sure he picked this universe for a reason. It is our job to find it. We'll just stay at this cabin until we find it." 

 

"There's not much room here," Alex squawked. 

 

Looking at his lover, Walter couldn't think of a thing he needed. 

 

Mulderon said, "Gold, you don't suppose there's gold somewhere on this mountain?" 

 

"I doubt it," Walter said, "Despite the remote look of this mountain, it's been occupied since colonial days. If there was any gold, I'm sure it was tapped out ages ago." 

 

"So it must be that we are needed," Mulderon said. "What's for dinner? I'd like a good roast of bumblebee, cooked in its own honey." 

 

"No bugs," Alex said with a shudder. "You can eat what we eat or starve. I'm going to take a shower." 

 

Walter went with him to scrub his back and calm him down. 

 

OooOooO 

 

A week later... 

 

"They have to go home!" Alex whispered, waking up with Mulderon gently snoring on his chest again. The Jewish fairy's cock was still buried in the softly suckling mouth of his lover, Beautiful Bane. 

 

"They won't stay out of the room when we're making love," complained Alex. 

 

"I don't mind," Walter said, leaning back on the pillow and stroking his chest hair. 

 

Alex finally took the hint and nuzzled the mingled white and black hairs that matted on his lover's chest. He flicked a nipple with an idle finger and grinned as the sheet twitched over Walter's cock. "Hmm, I thought we took care of that last night." 

 

"It's back," Walter said, "That herbal drink Mulderon mixed up is pretty effective. Puts a lot of starch in my system." 

 

"Yeah, I'll agree that was a good deed,' Alex said. He woke Mulderon by shoving him to the floor. 

 

Little good that did. 

 

Mulderon woke and fluttered his wings to break the fall. Bane sucked the air a bit then woke fully and flew to join his lover. 

 

"Hey," Alex said, "What if that herbal drink was your good deed? So you're done. Leave already." 

 

"No show, Joe," Mulderon said. "Because, duh, we are still here. No, we have something else to do." 

 

"Well, you'll have to occupy yourself somehow," Alex said. "Walter and I are supposed to go to town today." 

 

"No problem, they won't see us," Bane said. "Well, some of the kids might and any childlike adults, but in general we are invisible." 

 

"Great," Alex said. "What would Walter and I have done without you?" 

 

OooOooO 

 

The main reason Walter and Alex had to go into town was to pick up supplies. They were supposed to build Mr. Shelby a new work shed and he had asked for some special tool racks. They should be at the post office today. 

 

As Walter loaded his share of the boxes into the Hummer, he whistled cheerfully. Strange that he had adapted better to the fairy visitors than Alex had. If they were around much longer, he would have a chance to introduce them to Mulder. He couldn't wait to see Mulder's expression when he saw his mini me. 

 

"There you are, Mister Skinner, I need you!" Shannon Mitchell shouted. 

 

"Shannon, wait!" Walter shouted, his heart in his throat. 

 

"But Mister Skinner, the rocking chair you made for my doll has a broken leg!" Shannon shouted. 

 

Where the hell was the girl's brainless mother? Walter shouted, "I'll cross the street to you, Shannon." 

 

Too late, Shannon was a single-minded child. She must have thought the brand new crosswalk was magic. She blithely headed out before Walter could stop her. 

 

The truck must have been a long haul. Its jake brakes squealed as the man tried to stop. The wet street didn't help. Walter kept going, believing that he could somehow stop fate. 

 

A moment later, Walter gaped as Shannon was lifted over the truck and into his arms. He held her and shook as the two fabulous fairies twinkled in the air. 

 

"Angels,' Shannon said, "I knew that Mister Krycek was my special angel." 

 

"He is," Walter said, "Mine too." 

 

Annabelle had finally realized that her daughter had strayed away again. Walter knew the woman lost track of the world when she was gossiping. Annabelle screeched, "My baby, my baby!" 

 

Dramatically fainting, Annabelle collapsed. It would have served her right if Walter left her sprawled there, but instead he and Alex carried child and mother back into the post office. 

 

As they fanned Annabelle, Walter felt a kiss on his cheek. Bane said, "You are good and handsome, Walter Skinner. Your Alex was lucky to find you." 

 

Mulderon kissed Walter's other cheek and said, "I will have to be nicer to poor Skinnerad after this. He has under rated potential." 

 

Bane winked as if to say he knew it all along. 

 

Annabelle recovered, of course. She assumed that Walter had rescued Shannon and kissed him, earning a scowl from Alex. 

 

 

OooOooO 

 

"Well, good riddance to small rubbish," Alex said the next morning as he woke with an empty pillow and an ear that had gone the night clear of fairy gism for the first time in a week. 

 

"I miss them," Walter said. 

 

Yawning, the two men staggered out to the porch to let Bosco out. Walter grinned as he saw the something to remember them by. For as far as the two men could see, the ground sprouted four leaf clovers, thousands and thousands of four leaf clovers... 

 

 

The End.


End file.
